Zbor in picaj

Vorbele curg pentru a umple….
Umple golul unor emotii lipsa
Emotii pustii din strafunduri dornice de traire
Da, traiesti, pentru tine si pentru cei mai semnificativi din viata ta….
Goluri inca se videaza, cascade de intunecime….
Cand stii ca o cadere e abisala si cutremrator de insingurata? Atunci cand nu mai vezi lumina?
Care lumina? Cea din originea caderii…..e lumina lasata in urma.
Si daca o cadere e doar o alta forma de zbor? Zbor in picaj….catre alte luminiscente…fluorescente….sau pale.
Zbor in picaj!
Zborul e doar individual. Porti pe aripi suflul increderii unui suflet. Toata speranta lui si forta ta….
Te vlaguieste forta dar zbori in picaj, ai timp……in alte taramuri se contureaza alte orizonturi si nu e lumina locului din care ti-ai luat zborul. E doar departare….
Vorbele pot umple inca unele goluri din norii ce-nconjoara vazduhul.
Nerelevant……
Da, stiu cine sunt si dincolo de vorbe goale. Vorbe despre trecut….nerelevante deja.
A fost, a trecut, zbor acum.
Picajul e fulminant si aerisit. Aripi de incredere propulseaza cu aceeasi forta ce vlaguia.
Goluri se vor umple cu un mai plin “TU”/“NOI“…..

Sunt un colectionar de lucruri pozitive –  asa vreau sa raman! Sa vad zambetul si drama oamenilor din jur, sa uit cu sufletul ce a fost negru in mine si sa imi aduc aminte mereu doar cum a fost cand a fost bine…..celelalte sa le folosesc pentru a invata, sa le iert sau sa reusesc sa le vad pozitive.

Intuitive safety

(…) to feel that you have an infinite possibilities of living what you were (not) expecting, without any fear or worry about the derails from the initial imaginative road you have chosen in your mind….this is absolute safety of the mind and soul. No safetynets, just knowing that the unknown is anyhow great.

Sometimes the feeling of unsafety or anxiety is more of a version of not knowing the unknown in its worse shape of manifestation, this having nothing to do with the actual „not knowing the unknown” but more with the perceived risk and …..unsettling of the „come what may”.

Come what may, looking forward with curiosity and heart-fullness ….still requires a safe ground – at least in terms of intuition.
For me, that safety comes with the looks of the trustful and trustworthy, glancing at me…in confidence…… trustworthy.

Missing music

De cate ori in viata avem o coloana sonora care sa mearga cu evenimentele ce ni se intampla? In filme orice simtire e amplificata de muzica de fundal.

Spre exemplu: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GemKqzILV4w&feature=kp

Sau

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFcuN2zI3u0

 

le-ai auzit vreodata in timp ce simteai asa cum spunea piesa? Sa fie acolo fix pe moment. Trairile realitatii sunt mult mai egoiste, umplu ele singure, se individualizeaza si iti umplu creierul si simtamintele. No soundtrack.

 

Adolescenta rezona mereu in coloane sonore. Pe-atunci lucrurile se petreceau mai des sub influenta muzicii – de concert, de serata cu slow-uri, de minicasetofon. Astazi, cu atat mai mult iPod, MP3/MP4 playere….sustin melodic sentimente si trairi ale adolescentei.

 

I miss music in my life…..

As vrea sa fiu continuu doar a pocket full of sunshine sau sa spread my wings and fly, sa ma las afundata in love that you feel in your fingertips to be sure that I remember that I am still unwritten, that my hurts do hurt like I need to call all angels or that I am either frozen or that my love can be beyond any reason and I am afraid sometimes I miss a thing of the love one, that I could watch him without a minute of sleep.

I miss music in my life…..

Nothing new….just remembering, wondering

Just had someone telling me that I am a control-freak…..

Why didn’t it bother? …..I know there are some that would surely bet on me being bothered or even annoyed of being told that.

 

It does not. What exactly does it ok and even to feel comfortable (not to say even a bit proud) with people calling you things that might be actually for others insulting: control-freak, demanding, pushy, workaholic, talkative, fighting, and determined.

Is it the amount of appreciation that also comes along from the same sources? Or is it the confidence that all these are not primarily seen as good or bad, but as attributes. Also, might it depend on how is accepted or judged, or is it something of maybe a fear of being those things in the contexts of what those things actually represent for the source? If they tell you that they hate pushy people and then they tell you that you’re pushy….does it actually make a difference? Is it better accepted coming from someone that tells you that this is what you seem to them, and seem that they accept it also?

 

Is it a matter of what I accept in myself or is it a matter of what I am afraid to be judged in lack of other attributes that I know would mean more…..

Or maybe is a matter of only getting this feedback in the context of judgmental diagnosis. If you know that the source will dismiss you in other contexts based on the respective label, because they condemn it more then what they value in you – even you might be smart and known as such but is worse being pushy than is good being smart, or maybe you seem to be more pushy to them then smart……

Somehow I relate more with the latter – I guess it is uncomfortable when I believe someone judges attributes I have and makes them more dominant in our interaction then the attributes they might like about me.

For instance, I guess I would not be so comfortable with my boss saying that I am too pushy or that I miss tact whilst I know he also trusts that I am smart. But for sure it is more important for him to have a tactful manager In his team, more than a smart one.

 

 

If it is based on the inside reflection only, I guess, it is true that we do expect to hear from the others around us, what we are most afraid that we are not FOR THEM.

I don’t give a damn if a friend thinks I am a good mum, for my kids, but if they tell me that I am an abusive personality, I guess it hurts – -because I would be disappointed in myself to have around me friends that would feel they have to defend themselves from me.

New shape, undefined inner blockage

I am lately surprised by myself, not so much as to see how I react to certain acts, words, judgements as to notice how my mind, my inner self segregates that into pieces of decentralized analysis.
Somehow, I have glimpses of my self, so clear and objective that I do not hesitate to take myself put on a board and really stare and search, insightfully and patiently for the …”whatever” that makes me react, root causes of the reaction, strange pleas against my own mind and also debates – not in a rush – with what my mind has to say.
Is not that I rush into answers, I am not so interrested in those answers so much as I surprise myself caught in the process, trying to grasp on my own changing maps of feelings and responses. I try to seggregate how I tend to react, I get a bit of delay in my reaction – which at first I see like ablockage, but somehow, my body (because literally feel it so thick and solid shaped as if it actually comes more from a phisical response even if conciously I identify its reasoning roots) uses that timeframe, that delay to check in for what in myself is going to answer. I sense a full stop of outside activity and sliding into a wide area of possibilities…
It is not very clear what brought this into my senses, I am not sure yet how to controll it. Fact is that, actually my responses are under debate with myself (and I reffer here not to verbal answers as to actual mind and emotional reaction to situations).
Sometimes, I have the feeling of a best match in between my inner reaction and my expresses (gestures or words, mimics or breathing). I guess all the other times, when the blockage does not pay off, I still remain with a certain feeling of „this is not it”.
Even now – I would have suspected this as self doubt in the sense of misguided self in rambling searches…..but now, my most intuition goes towards changing.
I see this more of a patience intervention into rushing, labeled at a time as witt, no I don;t value that quick answer anymore, as my delays (frightening in the beggining being interpreted as defensive mechanism, being intmidated or absolutely muted by the unexpected judgement or disapointment) now feels like an alliat – in time will take more shape I think, but for now is still a mute dive into my inner possibilities of understanding why would a I react in a certain way, what alternatives does my default self give to me, are those resonable or not, are those compatible with my ideal self….
ofcourse none of this happends neither in an accurate course of actions nor in a tidy manner of reasoning. It is more words in this piece of text than I had in mind while feeling what I am trying to catch on the writing. Is more of a shaping entity of myself that is giving me depth I feel that are being reached mostly by seggregating by anything that I was tought or was judged by.
If someone tells me that I am something that I knew all along I was…but this time is said with al its negative implications that might one find in it…..I am just diving into this newly shaped entity which I am trying to get more in touch with, take the delay in, blockage or not, don;t care anymore what that would make me in the eyes of another….but use the time at least to deal with my reactions, to identify, pin them, try to check on their basis of manifestation, not judging, not labeling as right or wrong but just getting to know them and add to a …..new self I guess that is being formed.

In other times, I know I must have valued more black and white, values and statements as straight lines of the self to follow. I most probably have still strong opinion, but it must be for reasons of unfairity, however, I preffer an open path within myself….with open paths within others….allowing to dive in what I have managed to store or am learning from everyday human contact, thoughts and mostly……mistakes that got me into this closing one eye and raising a brow, stop look carefully once more and once more if needed, because I have learned how being labeled or speaking your angry mind can hurt the self and others.
Now…..I take patience more serious. nuances as a wide range of alternatives….and my mind as a tool to educate the concious into understanding, going through the whole process….
In the end, maybe pin some conclusions about self, but mostly I would be happy with having the paths…

Derails….

What if is all true?

I was writing once that I am the sum of all my deviations in a range of reasonable personality extensions and experiences, but that I do have a line of my own personal traits and evolutions, that as consistent and climbing the route of development no matter what.

Contradiction:  Essentialism – categorizing people and things according to their essential nature, in spite of variations.

So, I come to one of my own beliefs – I am responsible of everything I do and say. All my actions are part of me and intentionally or not – has no importance in the end, when the result is obvious. The result itself is my own responsibility too.

Weather I did something and couldn’t see it as wrong at the time, weather I said something and meant to communicate something else, weather I did not say something or did not try to correct/consult other’s understanding, relying on a self-confident relevancy….and hoping that they will see it as I did, in time…. weather my deeds or sayings have hurt, or have produced too much damage, doesn’t even matter which was the original intention…..why would I take credit only when something I didn’t even think would do someone some good, it actually did….by a happy coincidence….I am to take responsibility also for whatever I think I didn’t mean and actually It got to  poor result.

What if is all true….?! And I actually….despite my so consistent emergent truly positive line of spinal evolution and traits, derailed and made mistakes…..damaged and brought pain in the hearts of people that trusted me……

Then it all made sense….because…I knew from the beginnings that I didn’t suffer so so so much so that I would deserve so much, and yet felt that life gave me at some point, much more than I deserved, I took it and said to myself that I probably should not believe anymore in the fact that in life you pay for everything, nothing comes cheap and also, nothing is actually for granted…….

With all this, if I do think that I might have hurt, I might have damaged, I might have unforgivingly left a trail, not only in my consistent evolution, but within its derails too…and all those have converged to show me lessons learned for the past that I thought I might trick life somehow for them……

I get it, I did those mistakes. I might have had a good reason towards myself at that time….but nevertheless, for sure their reminiscence have bitten me and come to teach me the lessons I did not learn.

I hate being punished, by life, by people, by everything, or anyone…..so the worse part of taking all the responsibility for the derails…the so called humanity is that I have to live with it, swallow it and breathe with it…..hope that I would have other chances, hope that I still deserve to receive and take, hope that my smile will still be precious for somebody at some time….

Right now…

If all this is true…. and this is the closest I can get myself to saying it… because I’m scared as hell of actually letting the words out with firm and loud voice (as I usually do)…. that only shatters me in a hole of self-discontent…. I will have to learn to live with me, to get to know myself and forgive me…so that I can give me another chance of clean…..truly deserved happiness…..

I’ve managed to push away  some of the dear ones, I’ve managed to pull strings of my own life in the name of control over it…and probably at some point I’ve pushed too hard…..

I wonder when I feel that omse are also pushing me away….. is not them probably. Of course I can not be pushed away and return as if never happend, but I have to understand that there is a reason into it….. a reason that I have to make sense of…..and so, I am only thinking that if this moment seems unfair, maybe is just because I am not seeing the whole picture….and maybe my whole path got me until now…..so everyone with their own mistakes…. they will probably have to face them selves as i have to do it with myself too…..

Whatever brought me here, so I deserve, I have to understand….. and make peace with myself.

I have a duty to myself now to take whatever comes…..to see myself outside the bias of the reasonable essentialism…. but before facing everyone else……I have to face myself.

If all this is true……I did it indeed with my own will……. so I have to live with it….and no one else needs to do it with me……

I’ll pay, and get it over with….I’ll have patience and clean all up…. before allowing anyone else to come closer and get drawn in derails of my personality.