Derails….

What if is all true?

I was writing once that I am the sum of all my deviations in a range of reasonable personality extensions and experiences, but that I do have a line of my own personal traits and evolutions, that as consistent and climbing the route of development no matter what.

Contradiction:  Essentialism – categorizing people and things according to their essential nature, in spite of variations.

So, I come to one of my own beliefs – I am responsible of everything I do and say. All my actions are part of me and intentionally or not – has no importance in the end, when the result is obvious. The result itself is my own responsibility too.

Weather I did something and couldn’t see it as wrong at the time, weather I said something and meant to communicate something else, weather I did not say something or did not try to correct/consult other’s understanding, relying on a self-confident relevancy….and hoping that they will see it as I did, in time…. weather my deeds or sayings have hurt, or have produced too much damage, doesn’t even matter which was the original intention…..why would I take credit only when something I didn’t even think would do someone some good, it actually did….by a happy coincidence….I am to take responsibility also for whatever I think I didn’t mean and actually It got to  poor result.

What if is all true….?! And I actually….despite my so consistent emergent truly positive line of spinal evolution and traits, derailed and made mistakes…..damaged and brought pain in the hearts of people that trusted me……

Then it all made sense….because…I knew from the beginnings that I didn’t suffer so so so much so that I would deserve so much, and yet felt that life gave me at some point, much more than I deserved, I took it and said to myself that I probably should not believe anymore in the fact that in life you pay for everything, nothing comes cheap and also, nothing is actually for granted…….

With all this, if I do think that I might have hurt, I might have damaged, I might have unforgivingly left a trail, not only in my consistent evolution, but within its derails too…and all those have converged to show me lessons learned for the past that I thought I might trick life somehow for them……

I get it, I did those mistakes. I might have had a good reason towards myself at that time….but nevertheless, for sure their reminiscence have bitten me and come to teach me the lessons I did not learn.

I hate being punished, by life, by people, by everything, or anyone…..so the worse part of taking all the responsibility for the derails…the so called humanity is that I have to live with it, swallow it and breathe with it…..hope that I would have other chances, hope that I still deserve to receive and take, hope that my smile will still be precious for somebody at some time….

Right now…

If all this is true…. and this is the closest I can get myself to saying it… because I’m scared as hell of actually letting the words out with firm and loud voice (as I usually do)…. that only shatters me in a hole of self-discontent…. I will have to learn to live with me, to get to know myself and forgive me…so that I can give me another chance of clean…..truly deserved happiness…..

I’ve managed to push away  some of the dear ones, I’ve managed to pull strings of my own life in the name of control over it…and probably at some point I’ve pushed too hard…..

I wonder when I feel that omse are also pushing me away….. is not them probably. Of course I can not be pushed away and return as if never happend, but I have to understand that there is a reason into it….. a reason that I have to make sense of…..and so, I am only thinking that if this moment seems unfair, maybe is just because I am not seeing the whole picture….and maybe my whole path got me until now…..so everyone with their own mistakes…. they will probably have to face them selves as i have to do it with myself too…..

Whatever brought me here, so I deserve, I have to understand….. and make peace with myself.

I have a duty to myself now to take whatever comes…..to see myself outside the bias of the reasonable essentialism…. but before facing everyone else……I have to face myself.

If all this is true……I did it indeed with my own will……. so I have to live with it….and no one else needs to do it with me……

I’ll pay, and get it over with….I’ll have patience and clean all up…. before allowing anyone else to come closer and get drawn in derails of my personality.